How Ego Defenses Serve Us and How They Don’t
How do our ego defenses serve us? We all have them. But do they actually serve a purpose, or do they get in the way?
Let’s say you struggle with people-pleasing. This is a common one for many females in our society, since we are conditioned to take care of others (and sometimes at the expense of our own needs). People-pleasing behaviors can actually serve a purpose, because they help to nurture community and relationships. Unfortunately, this also becomes an ego-defensive pattern when people pleasing becomes a way to get your needs met vicariously through others (ie. obligation to reciprocate, forging a sense of guilt or loyalty). People may feel you are not being honest by asserting your own needs, or that you are manipulating them to get your needs met.
Another common defense mechanism is anger. Many people think that anger is an emotion, but really, it serves to defend and protect us from experiencing the deeper, more vulnerable emotions under the surface. Anger becomes a “shield” or even a weapon, often serving only ourselves and injuring others in the process. When reactions and responses are fueled by anger, they are almost never productive. However, if you can work through and process the anger to get to the deeper more vulnerable layers underneath, you will be able to access your wise and assertive voice, dictating what you need in the situation, while being able to hold another’s perspective.
Perhaps you are a perfectionist by nature. When you make mistakes, it is hard to accept because there is a fear that you will fail, or be rejected by others. The ego defense may show up as an inability to admit mistakes, which may injure others in the process through denying their experiences. Others may experience this as gaslighting, where their reality is denied because you are not owning up to a mistake, or a part you played in the situation.
Whatever the ego defensive response, it is almost never healthy to rely on our defenses alone. When we attach too much to our defenses, they become part of us, or a way of being. It may be hard to feel that you can act and live without them. It may even become an armor or a shield that prevents people from being close to us. We may say something like, “That’s who I am…” rather than acknowledging that there is a deeper part of us that is not being expressed due to the defensive layer. If we can begin to examine our defenses, and question whether they are truly serving us, we will be able to get underneath the armor. To connect with the parts of ourselves that truly deserve to be acknowledged first by ourselves, and in our relationships with others.
